Q2 and then some

These quarterly updates are getting further apart. Life is crazy and it is hard to imagine it getting any busier, but baby #2 will be here before we know it. It’s been a journey to get where we are and I won’t rest or settle until this baby is here and I know he is healthy. We knew there was a chance of low fetal growth and baby is measuring in the 19th percentile right now. I’ll be induced early either way, but I could be induced in a few weeks if he continues to decline in his growth. All I care about is him being healthy and both of us being able to spend the first days and weeks together at home. I so badly want to have a peaceful and joyous postpartum experience and that starts with us both being healthy and safe. We’ll be monitored very closely so I feel confident that we’ll know when the right time is. I knew all of this would be a lot and I’m sure I’m naive to what the first few months with look like (hello, chaos!), but I’m ready to move on to the next chapter of this beautiful story.

This pregnancy has weighed really heavily on me in ways I was expecting and was not expecting. I feel so responsible to be healthy and able-bodied for my child. I feel so scared that things are going to go wrong. I feel a deep rooted fear that I won’t be able to be there for my children like I want to be. The many appointments and tests (7+ ultrasounds, 6+ NST’s, an ER visit, a fetal echo) are all reminders of how my body has let me down and how I’m not checking the box of being the perfect mom or the perfect woman. It’s a constant cloud over my head that suggests I may never be able to be that version of myself I always thought I would be. That I would see my kids grow up and that I was “invincible”. That I would be able to give my children the life that my parents have given to me.

I think these thoughts are part of the cancer journey that those who have never been diagnosed just truly don’t understand. I believe in God, I trust God, I know in my soul that God has a plan for me. But it doesn’t stop the random flicker of fear that I won’t see my kids grow up or get married. It doesn’t stop my brain from going to those dark places just with someone using one “wrong” word. The reminder that certain parts of life will always look different than it does for everyone else. On a daily basis my life looks normal. I am doing the things, working a difficult and stressful job, taking care of my family, growing a baby. But inside is a constant storm of emotions and thoughts. The checklists that shouldn’t have to include “make sure I find a new neurologist”, “ask hospital if I can tour the maternity ward again for exposure therapy”, “pick up new seizure prescription”. It’s really hard. The guilt, shame, resilience, fear, sadness, gratitude, love. It all weighs me down daily. If you have a loved one who’s experienced anything similar, help them hold the space they need to feel validated in the tornado of emotions. Hold their hand through it, allow them to feel it all. Some days will be better than others. And there’s always an underlying aura of gratefulness, it just might not be the number one emotion all the time.

Lord please continue to love me and to show grace in this journey. Please let me know that I’m never alone and you’re always guiding me. Remind me that your light is the path and that I can trust in your goodness. Lord, please protect this baby and continue to help him grow and strengthen. I am so excited to meet him Lord and we are so ready to fill this plan you have for our lives.

Amen