May

Tomorrow is the start of brain cancer awareness month. May used to just be my birthday month. And now it is marked with something so much heavier. A reminder of something that I may live with for the rest of my life. The ever lingering concern that it will come back. The trauma and PTSD that still show up in ways I’m not expecting. The scar on my head and the hairs that are continuing to grow back (although now they are long enough to go behind my ears!!). This life has gotten so crazy and hard that sometimes brain cancer is a distant memory. In fact sometimes people can say the word “brain” and I don’t flinch. But other times I get caught in this pattern of what-if’s and maybe-nots. Like when you start daydreaming about retirement or that lake house you always wanted. And then you realize reality is that the cancer could come back and it could cause me or my life to be entirely different. That I might miss out on things with my boys that I always assumed I would be around for before I ever had to think about brain cancer.

And then there’s the days where I can’t believe how blessed I am and it’s just so crazy to think that I had brain surgery 3 weeks postpartum and that they took out 2 golf balls worth of my brain and I’m still here. I’m still a mom. A wife. A daughter. A manager at a fortune 250 company. A CPA. And that I’m still aspiring to be better. I’m still planning for the future. I’m still betting on and trusting in my body to do what it’s created to do. That God has provided me this chance to reevaluate my life, my beliefs, my priorities. What a gift to truly be able to look back at the “before” and the “after” of a life changing moment and diagnosis. Fearing for your life so that you can truly start living again. Lord, I am so blessed. And yes, I am also a brain cancer survivor.

This goes out to all who were not as lucky as me. Including relatives of my own family who have experience deep pain and sorrow as a result of brain cancer. May the Lord continue to heal us all and provide comfort in his presence. May the research continue to improve and provide a chance for a better outcome for all those suffering.