Continued struggles

Life has thrown another unplanned health situation at me. I am one year postpartum and I have lost all of the pregnancy weight and 20 more pounds on top of it. I’m certainly not trying to. Things of a vain nature are not my concern anymore after the last year. Could it be the breastfeeding? Could it be the stress or the anxiety? Maybe. My doctor said every blood test we did looks normal and we did a lot of blood tests. Except. There’s always an exception these days. Except for high ANA. Antinuclear antibodies. A non specific test that could indicate an autoimmune disease or cancer or just simply inflammation in the body. I have a family history of RA and Lupus and this test could be an indicator for both of those.

I don’t want to think about another life-altering diagnosis. I don’t want another disease that will have me worried if I’ll live to be a grandma. I want to have another baby and how will this impact that journey? It’s all-consuming. Yes, I trust that I can get through anything with the Lord by my side. But, I’m starting to wonder if the life that I hoped and prayed for simply just won’t happen and if it is time that I start accepting that God might have a different plan for me. That I should give up that deep knowing and feeling that I have a baby I have not met yet. It’s hard not to get ahead of myself but I’ve been here before and I’ve been met with news that I really really did not want.

So, on Friday I will drive 2 hours to the big city and I will meet with another doctor and I will learn what parts of my body are attacking the others and see what my fate is in the eyes of a rheumatologist. And then I will drive back home to make it to my MRI for my brain cancer. My seventh MRI in less than 13 months.

And then I will wake up and I will thank God for another year on earth and to be one year to the day post-op. Being thankful that I can move my body and I can eat and I can take care of my son.

Lord, Heavenly Father, I ask that you please grant your mercy on me and hold me through this difficult season of life. I ask that you continue to cover me and my family in your goodness and your love so that we may never feel alone in this journey. I trust you Lord to protect me and to keep my family safe. Amen

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us

Hebrews 12:1