Harder than I thought

When I started this blog I saw the vision.. use God’s words and miracles in my life to portray how He guided me out of the darkness and depths of my story. I had subconsciously insinuated in my head that I would know the solution by now or that getting out of the depths would be a one time deal. Life is hard. Living with my diagnosis is hard. Being a mom is hard. Being a wife is hard. Dealing with health anxiety is hard. If it’s not recovering from brain surgery, it’s worrying every day that it’s going to come back. It’s seeing the consequences in the mirror every day. It’s being scared, not happy, when you accidentally lose 30 pounds without trying. It’s always knowing you need to enjoy life, but being exhausted and stressed. It’s the little hand and foot twitches that jolt you back to reality a couple of times a day. It’s the unruly hairs that have grown in from the surgery. Still about 24 inches shorter than the rest of my hair.. it’s exchanging birth recovery stories and feeling anxiety to speak about your experience. It’s thinking back 12 months ago at how excited you were for this year and how you were so looking forward to not being pregnant and having your body back. Jokes on me. The devil has my body while I try to keep my brain and my heart with God. See even that sentence alone is triggering because if this analogy is actually supposed to make sense, the physical specimen of my brain belongs to the devil (cancer) and my mind belongs to God. But how tricky that is. I am missing 2 golf balls worth of my personality, my empathy, and my attention. So is my mind really even there? Is it the same? Is it all so hard because those 2 golf balls were what made me, me? Is the depression and anxiety me? Or is the devil’s chemistry messing with my brain? Everywhere I go is hard. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Spiritually seems to be a safe space and maybe that is the point of this blog, this journey. That I most certainly will not have all the answers nor most answers. But I will be able to glean from it all that my spirituality and my relationship with God is a trusted friend. That I am able to rely on God to be the rock and the salvation to keep me going another day. Amen.