From the Depths

Life has been really hard. There’s been death, new life, and stumbles and struggles in between. My great aunt passed away suddenly, my cousin’s newborn had to be flown 200 miles to a better hospital, my best friend’s dad died suddenly, my dad with his own health complications was in a scary car accident and totaled his car. It’s heavy. My doctor told me that having another baby could have variable results. Assuming he meant both with tumor growth and seizure activity. Neither of which are fair. My son is struggling to eat solid foods and has relied heavily on breast milk. Both of which stress me out and cause strain on my body. I’ve lost 25 pounds for no good reason.

It’s really hard most days to not get caught up in the things that pain me. I can so quickly turn a blind eye to the blessings and the miracles in God’s works and wonders. I know innately now that I am so lucky to be here and to be alive. I am so lucky to spend another thanksgiving with family and with my grandmother who is 85. I am so lucky to be able to use my body to carry my son and to help him learn to walk. I am so lucky that my husband comes home after work safely and healthy. But. The cloud of darkness is thick. Some days it’s like a severe fog warning that permeates into every square inch and every crevice allowable in my head. It tells me I have nothing. It tells me that everywhere I go and everything I turn to is hard. It fogs (literally) my judgement and my mood and my spirit and my reactions and my love.

Advent is a time of hope, of new coming, of celebration. I hope to build off that faith and that strengthening connection I have with our Savior.

Lord, may your love and mercy be what permeates every thought and every breath that I have. “For over all, the Lord’s glory will be shelter and protection: shade from the parching heat of day, refuge and cover from storm and rain” – Isaiah 4:6