From the Depths

trying to remind myself there’s no rules. Though my mind knows no bounds. As I’ve found over the past 10 months it will go to the darkest of places without needing help. Like holding your three week old boy and not knowing if you’ll be able to see him grow up. Which sounds selfish and unholy. The reality is that only God knows the number of days we have left. And I would rather be sick than have it be my son.

There’s something life changing about the guttural feeling of fear and angst that you might miss your son growing up. That he would have to live without a mom. That your husband would be forced to figure it out without. The two together and alone in this world. The realization that they might be okay eventually and they might figure it out without you. The actual physical pull of gravity on the tears and the weight of the emotions in your eyes. How easy it is to go back to that place. Even if today is better, the darkness isn’t far beyond the surface.