From the Depths

My 2nd follow up MRI is coming up. It will be my 6th MRI this calendar year. 9 months with my son and 9 months of knowing my diagnosis. It’s really easy to let the anxiety snatch those scary thoughts and hold on to them. The other thoughts can slide right through, but the what-ifs and the how-can-this-be-mes are really sticky. I sometimes can quickly turn to prayer. Sometimes I tell myself that I grew a whole human while this tumor was infiltrating my brain, that I am strong enough even if it comes back. And other times I let the worry over take me and I think about not being able to see my son grow up.

It’s never perfect. And that is life. Will it always be worse when my appointments are closer? If I have another 8 months of clear scans then I can move to 6 month windows. But will that just cause more anxiety that I will miss something? I think maybe God and trust is the only answer. Cause I know He’ll be here if it’s good news and I know He’ll be here if it’s bad news.

“When the ground around me’s shaken
When this heart of mine is breaking
When the world just keeps on taking
And life just don’t seem fair
When there’s nowhere left to run to
When there’s no one else to turn to
When I can’t find the answers anywhere
I can say a prayer” – Zach Williams