From the Depths

I remember being so clouded and covered in fear and sadness. I can recall the physical sensations clearly. I can picture the image of me crying loudly and deeply while holding him. Writing this today knowing I have walked through the darkness, and by God’s perfect timing and His mercy I am better and I am blessed, but.. still, I feel them. When I’m overwhelmed by my love for my boy and I can take in the moment with him, I cry. And I go back there. Back to the sadness, the fear, and I feel it like it was right now. It’s the memory of holding him and being so scared, I had waited my whole life to be a mom and now the time is here and I may be leaving him? I needed to be strong for him, I didn’t want him to feel all of my heavy emotions, but I wanted to spend every possible minute with him as if they were going to be the last. And I couldn’t turn it off. Was it postpartum emotions? Was it the brain tumor? Was it the swelling? Was it the fear of what would happen to me?

My priest told me it was okay to be mad at God and that we didn’t need to understand everything that He’s got planned for us. That relieved a lot of the spiritual pressure that I had. How could I trust He would protect me in this awful situation when I didn’t understand why He had put me in it to begin with? That was the real turning point for me, it opened the door to having the dialogue with God that I wanted different for my life. It opened my eyes to what I felt was truly important to me, the people in my life, and surviving and having the strength to push forward for them. I couldn’t do that without God. The emotions and the fear actually would have ate me alive before the brain tumor. So, thank you to Father Joe for being so candid with me and releasing me from the relationship with God that I thought I had to have. Thank you for crying with us and for also seeing with a heart of compassion that God’s plan didn’t make sense. That’s a transformative experience that may have changed the rest of my life just as much as having a baby and being diagnosed with cancer.